


Cone Wine

by Streetlamp_Sunset



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Aftercare, Alexis Rose Loves Ted Mullens, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cunnilingus, F/M, Headcanon, Light BDSM, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings, Post-Episode: s04e12 Singles Week, Rope Bondage, Threesome - F/M/M, Vaginal Fingering, canon compliant if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:15:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26357806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Streetlamp_Sunset/pseuds/Streetlamp_Sunset
Summary: Alexis stood, reaching out to cup his jaw, “Babe, my zipper’s stuck.” Ted turned to look at her, eyes lust blown, mouth red and kiss bitten.He grinned, “Alexis, that dress buttons.”“M’kay, Ted,” she said, “that is so not the point.”Mutt laughed softly, hands sliding down his hips to squeeze his ass, “do you maybe wanna go give her a hand?”After singles week, Ted and Alexis are invited to Mutt's for cone wine.
Relationships: Theodore "Ted" Mullens/Alexis Rose, Theodore "Ted" Mullens/Alexis Rose/Mutt Schitt
Comments: 8
Kudos: 28





	Cone Wine

**Author's Note:**

> InEveryUniverse I hope you appreciate me taking this silly prompt way too seriously. 💖  
> CW: explicit sex after the second line

Alexis breezed through Mutt’s barn door, Ted’s arm looped through hers, “hi.” Ted set their bag on the chest at the foot of the bed. 

“Alexis,” Mutt slid his arms around Alexis’ waist, dipping his head to kiss her. Mutt had spent the last event of singles week watching her and Ted dance in the low lights strung around the barn, his expression closer to attraction than jealousy. Alexis had been unsurprised when he invited them over for ‘cone wine or whatever’. 

“Ted, hey,” Mutt slid two fingers beneath his chin, thumb scraping over his stubble. He leaned in, mouth a hair's breadth away, “safeword?” It was a confirmation, more than anything. They’d had a long conversation about limits, boundaries, and desires before they’d agreed to anything. 

“Banana,” Ted answered, wide eyed, he leaned in. Alexis caught the amused quirk of Mutt’s mouth. He might’ve laughed, but Alexis was there, sharp white teeth, raised eyebrow. 

“Yeah, alright,” Mutt said, pulling Ted forward by the back of his neck. Ted melted into him, decades of history unspooling between them.

* * *

“What was that?” Alexis had asked Ted as they drove away from the freshly painted fence the first time she kissed him.

“Well, Alexis, I’m pretty sure it’s called a kiss,” Ted answered, grinning as he flipped between stations. She rolled her eyes, stopping his hand when a good one came on.

“No, Ted, with Mutt,” she said, “what was that?” Alexis ran her fingers up his arm, “there was a look.”

_“Do you want a ride? … It’s a long walk.”_

_“I like walking.”_

Ted shrugged, “we’ve known each other a long time.”

Alexis had let it drop, but she inadvertently got more of the story later when she and Mutt had to fix this old fence at the edge of town. She was still processing Ted’s whole thing about not wanting to send food back at breakfast, so she wasn’t exactly focused when Mutt got her attention.

“Yeah, I'm just thinking about Ted, and how nice he is, and…” Alexis trailed off, trying to come up with the right words. No one had ever treated her the way Ted treated her, “generous, like, almost too generous. And I just wanna grab him by the sweater sometime, and be like, ‘stop being so generous and nice!’”

“He always has been,” Mutt said, “I feel bad thinking about all those times I pinned him against a locker.” 

“You pinned somebody against a locker?” Alexis asked, stepping over a fallen fence-post.

“Well, I was a different person then,” Mutt lifted it into place, voice weighted, “a lot changed since after high school.”

“So what did he do to make you such a teenage cliché?” Alexis asked.

“He always said ‘hi’ when he passed me in the halls,” Mutt said, “and for some reason, it bugged me.” Which, yeah, that totally made sense, but then Mutt had gone and agreed with Ted about the food thing. Which. No, ew.

“Ted?” Alexis asked as they lay in bed with his sick little dogs over their feet, “why didn’t you tell me about you and Mutt?” Ted’s heartbeat picked up beneath her hand and he turned in her arms to look at her.

“It was so long ago,” Ted sighed, “I wouldn’t have even called it a relationship exactly-” he stopped as Alexis made a high, curious sound. 

“Mmm, no, keep going,” Alexis ran her fingers along his jawline.

“I don’t know, Lex,” Ted sighed, “we mostly just ended up-” he made a gesture that could’ve meant any number of things, but was clearly very sexual “-you know, in the locker room after practice, and then I drove him home after. We never really talked about it.”

“Um, and that was good for you?” Alexis asked, tracing the contours of his stomach, “like, were you okay or?”

Ted brushed a kiss over her knuckles, “he stopped if I asked him to.”

“That’s good,” she said. Alexis laced their fingers together, squeezing his hand lightly. Ted looked at her, the moonlight reflected in the clear blue of his eyes.

“It was good, it felt good,” he admitted, blush dusting his cheeks, “I like it a little rough.”

“I noticed,” Alexis said, mouth quirking playfully. Ted grinned, reaching out to touch her face, light, mimicking her gentle boop. He cupped her jaw, curling forward to reach her.

“I want more out of a relationship,” Ted said, mouth softening into a wistful smile, “more than a physical connection, you know?”

“Mmm, yeah, I noticed that too,” Alexis said, a familiar fear pounding in her chest.

“Lex, I-” she had closed the distance between them before he could finish that shockingly early declaration.

Now, Alexis was glad for it. He hadn’t loved her then, not really. She hadn’t been ready to let him even if he did.

* * *

Alexis hooked her fingers under Mutt’s collar, then dipped under Ted’s as she circled them. Ted hummed in acknowledgement of her touch even as he surrendered to the onslaught of Mutt’s mouth. Alexis came to stand behind him, sliding her hands beneath the hem of his t-shirt. She ran her palms over his stomach and up his chest, lifting the fabric as she went. 

Mutt nipped at Ted’s lower lip, tugging as he pulled away. He smirked, rucking the shirt up to Ted’s armpits before ducking his head to mouth at his chest. Alexis pulled Ted’s t-shirt the rest of the way over his head, pressing a kiss to the hollow of his throat as he let out a sharp gasp. 

“So sensitive,” Mutt said, straightening up as he pinched a reddened nipple between his fingers.

“Yeah,” Ted breathed. Alexis wrapped her arms around his waist from behind.

She tucked her face against the back of Ted’s shoulder, nosing a line from there to just beneath his ear, “I love that you are, Babe.” 

Alexis traced the cut line of his hips; his abs jumped at the feather light touch. She followed the trail of hair from his belly button to the hem of his jeans. Her nails scratched over the stiff fabric as she cupped his half hard cock.

“Oh, fuck, Alexis,” Ted twitched in her hand. Mutt twisted his nipple, hard. Ted moaned, spine arching into the sensation. Desire curled through her at the press of his body against hers. 

“Feel good?” Mutt asked, glancing up to check in. He didn't have the privilege of knowing that soft little cry meant more, please, Alexis, harder. 

“Mmmhmm,” Ted nodded and she was filled with the overwhelming urge to kiss him. It was messy, angled over his shoulder; she reached up to pull him to her. Alexis stroked his cock through the denim and slid her tongue past his lips. Ted whined, hips jumping as he rut against her hand. Her knuckles brushed Mutt’s hip. Alexis had meant to tease Ted a bit longer, but she wanted to feel him.

“Okay, these are coming off now,” Alexis said, undoing the button of his jeans. 

“Please,” Ted begged even though she was already tugging down the fly. He let out a low moan of relief as his cock sprung free. The sound settled low in her stomach, arousal pooling between her legs. Mutt tilted his head, leaning in to kiss him. Alexis knelt down and Ted sunk into Mutt’s arms as she lifted his feet one by one. She pulled his boxer off with his jeans, his socks too, until he was naked in the warm glow of the lights strung around Mutt’s barn.

Alexis pressed a kiss to his calf, the bend of his knee, his hip. Ted dropped his hand, thumb smoothing over her brow bone before he offered her a hand up. She grinned, biting back the high, happy sound that wanted to bloom from her throat when she realized his eyes had long fallen closed. Ted always found her like that, easily, second nature even in the dark. Her heart swelled and capsized in her chest. Alexis ached with it, how much she loved him, how well he loved her.

Alexis stood, reaching out to cup his jaw, “Babe, my zipper’s stuck.” Ted turned to look at her, eyes lust blown, mouth red and kiss bitten. 

He grinned, “Alexis, that dress buttons.”

“M’kay, Ted,” she said, “that is so not the point.” 

Mutt laughed softly, hands sliding down his hips to squeeze his ass, “do you maybe wanna go give her a hand?” 

Ted’s gaze trailed over her body. He seemed awed by the prospect of her, eyes dark. He pressed a kiss to her palm.

Alexis turned, “come here, Babe.” 

Ted swept the hair from where it fell down her back, gathering it to lay over her shoulder. His fingers slid beneath her neckline, undoing the first button. They ran along the length of her spine. Ted eased the rounded fabric from their small loops with deft fingers. He followed each button with a chaste kiss, stubble brushing over her skin. Alexis shivered as he eased the dress from her shoulders.

Mutt stripped himself of his own clothes, holding her eyes as he took them off, slow and teasing, “beautiful.”

Ted sunk to his knees before her, leaning forward to rest his forehead against her thigh. Her breath hitched as his fingers hooked in the hem of her panties, arousal pulsing between her legs. Alexis ran her hand through his hair as he slid them to the floor. Ted nosed the crease of her thigh.

“Mmm, okay, bed,” Alexis said, pulling him to his feet. As much as she wanted his mouth on her, the hardwood would be brutal on his knees. Alexis settled against Mutt’s pillows, Ted crawling after her. He lay with his chest pressed to the mattress, hips raised on bent knees.

Alexis glanced up at Mutt, “there’s lube and a plug in our bag.” She reached down to tangle her hand in Ted’s hair as he hitched her legs over his shoulders. Ted licked at her clit with firms of his tongue. Pleasure sparked through her; Alexis arched eagerly into him.

Mutt grabbed their lube and climbed onto bed to sit in the vee of Ted’s legs. He ran his hands over the small of Ted’s back. Ted slid two fingers inside of her, thrusting as he sucked on her clit. He moaned against her as Mutt began to prep him. 

“Does that feel good, Babe?” Alexis asked, scratching her nails over his scalp. She grinned, looking up to meet Mutt’s eyes. He was so good with his hands, strong, surprisingly soft.

Ted lifted his head to look at her, chin wet with her arousal. His fingers curled against her g-spot. Alexis gasped, rocking against him. Ted knew exactly how to touch her, pleasure building in her core.

“You feel good,” Ted said, ocean blue eyes, wide with devotion. He dipped his head to nose at the trimmed thatch of hair between her legs. His tongue flicked over her, “taste so good, Lex.” Pleasure coiled through her core. Ted’s mouth sealed around her clit. She moaned as he sucked; his fingers thrust into her with a steady rhythm. 

“Ted,” Alexis gasped, “oh my god.” She rocked against his fingers as she came, moaning and arching off the bed, “oh my god, so good Baby.” Her fingers tightened in his hair as her orgasm pulsed through her. Alexis tugged him away from her clit as her pleasure edged, sharp and oversensitive. 

Ted turned to kiss the inside of her thigh, fingers still curling over her g-spot as she rode out the last waves of her orgasm. Mutt smoothed his hand over Ted’s thigh.

“I’m going to grab a towel,” he said, climbing off the bed. Alexis sunk into the mattress, languid with satisfaction.

Ted pushed himself up onto his elbows before making his way up her body. He kissed the curve of her hip, the swell of her stomach, his fingertips trailed up her ribs. Ted braced a hand on either side of her shoulders, dipping his head to kiss her. She hummed happily at the taste of her own arousal on his tongue. 

“Mmm, hi,” Alexis said against his mouth. 

Ted grinned, “hi, Babe.” She wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him closer. Ted groaned as his cock was pressed against her. Mutt set a towel at the edge of the bed, the lube on the nightstand.

Alexis reached up to cup Ted’s face in her hands, “are you ready for me to tie you, Baby?”

“Yeah,” he said softly. Ted kissed the bridge of her nose, “please, Lex.”

“M’kay,” Alexis nudged his shoulder, rolling them so he was on his back in the middle of the bed. She knelt on either side of his hips. Ted grinned, hands skating over her ribs. “Mutt, can you grab the ropes out of my bag?”

“Yeah, I got it,” Mutt handed her four loose coils of hemp, laying her safety shears on the side table. Alexis caught Ted’s hands, smirking as she pulled them over his head. Mutt dropped a kiss on her shoulder before settling against the headboard, “here, let me.” He reached for Ted’s wrists, pressing them to the mattress with a firm grip. 

“Oh,” Ted breathed, twisting halfheartedly. His eyes went dark as he realized Mutt was strong enough to hold him there. The muscle of his arms shifted, flexing beneath his skin as he pulled against Mutt’s grasp. Ted rolled his hips, tipping his head back in pleasure. He groaned at the slide of his cock between her legs. 

Mutt grinned as Ted arched between them. His gaze was magnetic, more gray than blue. Alexis leaned in, curling a hand around the back of his neck. Mutt kissed her deep and rough, the scruff of his beard tingling when it brushed over her skin. Alexis slid a hand on either side of his face, scratching her nails through the dark hair.

Alexis trailed her fingers over the curve of Ted’s bicep before reaching for the first rope, “god, babe, you’re so pretty.” She took his left hand and tied it around his wrist. Alexis passed the end of the rope to Mutt while she tied Ted’s right wrist. “Everything feel okay?” she asked, checking the tension once Mutt had tied both ends off to the bedposts. 

Ted rolled his wrists, “it’s good.”

“Good,” Alexis pressed a kiss to his forehead, the bridge of his nose, the corner of his jaw. 

“Lex,” he pleaded, turning his head to meet her mouth. Alexis kissed him long and slow, brushing her lips over his, once, before pulling away. 

Mutt shifted to lay at Ted’s side. He leaned in to mouth at his neck, sliding a broad palm through the light swath of hair on his chest. Ted moaned softly as Mutt sucked red marks onto the sensitive skin of his throat. Mutt's hand splayed over the bend of Ted’s waist, thumb sweeping over his lowermost rib. 

Alexis settled between Ted’s legs with the other two ropes as Mutt kissed him. She tied it around Ted’s left ankle before bending his knee so his calf was flush with the back of his thigh. The rope wound around his leg, knots running up one side and down the other. She repeated the process on his right side. 

Ted sighed, tension flowing out of him as she guided his legs to fall apart. His cock lay hard and heavy against his stomach.

“Good?” Alexis asked. Her fingers ran beneath the ropes, adjusting. Ted hummed in affirmation. She slid her hand along his inner thigh to rest over the base of the plug in his hole. He moaned as she pulled it out half way, then pushed it back into place. “Use your words, Ted,” she said, thrusting it slowly.

“Alexis,” Ted’s eyes fluttered open, half lidded. 

Mutt nipped the shell of his ear, “do you want me to fuck you now?”

“Yes,” Ted breathed, holding her gaze.

Alexis moved to lay down beside him as Mutt climbed off the bed to grab the lube. He knelt between Ted’s spread legs, sliding a towel beneath him. Ted gasped as he eased the plug from his hole. Alexis wiped it on the edge of the towel and set it on the side table.

“Ready?” Mutt asked, slicking his cock. 

Ted nodded, Alexis cupped his jaw, brushing her thumb over his stubbled check.

He turned to look at her, “please.” Alexis twisted over his body, bracing herself on one hand so she could kiss him. He moaned softly as Mutt pushed in. “Oh, fuck,” Ted groaned as he began to thrust, “harder, Mutt.”

Alexis sat up, snagging the lube from the side table. She brushed Mutt’s hair away from his face where it had flopped over his forehead. He stretched forward to close the distance between them, the rhythm of his hips unfaltering. Alexis nipped at his lower lip, sucking it into her mouth. Ted gasped as Mutt snapped his hips, arching off the bed as much as the ropes would allow. 

“That’s so hot,” Alexis said, taking him in with hungry eyes. His abs flexed as he thrust, tension in the thick muscle of his furred thighs.

Mutt smirked, “glad you think so, you know, considering.” 

“Yeah,” she answered, already leaning back in. Alexis licked the seam of his mouth. His coordination was admirable, tongue gliding against hers, slow counterpoint to the rough movement of his hips. She ran a hand down his chest as she pulled away.

“Alexis,” Mutt groaned as she tweaked a nipple. 

Alexis smirked, settling on the bed next to Ted. She propped herself up on her elbow, nosing his jaw.

“Do you want me to touch you, Baby?” Alexis asked, kissing one of the dark red marks Mutt had sucked into his skin.

“Please, Lex,” Ted murmured. Alexis poured lube into her palm, reaching out to wrap her hand around his cock. He gasped at the contact, arching up into her fist, “Alexis.”

“‘M right here,” she pressed a kiss to his chest. “Come on, babe,” Alexis said, sweeping her thumb over the head of his cock, “come for me, Ted.” 

“Alexis,” he cried out as he came. His cock pulsed in her hand, spilling over her fingers onto his stomach. 

“Fuck, Ted,” Mutt groaned as Ted tightened around him. She stroked him until he was whining with oversensitivity. 

Alexis glanced up to meet Mutt’s eyes, “keep going.” 

Ted nodded, turning his head to rest against his arm. He moaned softly as Mutt continued to thrust into him. She brought her hand up to his mouth, sweeping her thumb over his bottom lip. Ted licked his own release from her fingers; he pressed a kiss to her palm. 

Mutt’s hips stuttered, he let out a low grunt as he came. Alexis shifted, raising onto her knees as he stilled, emptying himself in Ted’s pliant body.

“Mutt,” she said, curling her hand around his jaw, “come here.” He leaned into her as she kissed him, deep and messy. 

Mutt pulled away, nodding at Ted, “go on, take care of your boy, I know you wanna.”

“Mutt,” Alexis said, breath catching in her throat at the gentle understanding in his eyes.

He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, “we’re good, Alexis.” Ted groaned as he pulled out. 

Alexis took a deep breath and reached for his wrist, undoing the knots with practiced motions. She set the ropes off to the side, Mutt picked them up, rewinding them into loose coils. Alexis worked her thumbs into the joints of Ted’s fingers. He squeezed her hand lightly; Alexis smiled, soft. She rubbed the stiffness from his wrists, the bend of his elbows, his biceps, his shoulders. 

“Everything feel okay?” Alexis asked. 

“‘S good,” Ted yawned, rolling his shoulders. He curled his toes against her forearm as she worked on a knot at his feet. Alexis unbent his leg, easing it to the mattress. Mutt picked up the other two ropes, starting to coil those too.

“Um, don’t feel like you have to,” Alexis said, glancing up as Ted stretched beneath her hands.

“Nah,” Mutt said, “I want to.” He ran a hand through Ted’s hair and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

“M’kay, well, can you grab us some water then?” Alexis asked, tilting her head back to kiss him properly. 

“Alexis,” Mutt laughed against her mouth, dropping the rope into their bag. He went to get her a glass of water.

Alexis reclined against the pillows, pulling Ted to lay against her. She draped Mutt’s quilt over them. Ted tucked his face against her throat as she ran her hand over his back.

“Here,” Mutt climbed onto the bed, passing her the water. Ted sat up to drink and Alexis leaned against his shoulder. 

“Mutt, you put a little metal straw in it,” she said happily, lacing their fingers together.

Mutt shrugged, “it’s sustainable.” 

Alexis hummed in acknowledgement, “love that.” Alexis glanced around, trying to figure out what to do with the empty glass. 

Mutt reached out for it, “here, I got it. I’m gonna go rinse off.” Mutt brushed a thumb over her knuckles before letting go. He leaned forward, lifting Ted’s head with two finger’s tucked under his chin. “I’m glad we did this,” Mutt kissed him, decades of history folded between his words.

“Yeah,” Ted said, voice soft, earnest, “me too.” He shifted as Mutt climbed off the bed, curling up with his head in her lap. "Lex," Ted said, looking up at her with a dopey grin on his face, "orange you glad I didn't say banana." 

Alexis laughed, scratching her nails through the short hairs at the nape of his neck. Ted melted. He nuzzled his face against her stomach, pressing a kiss to the small scar from where they had taken out her appendix. 

"But you know you can safeword whenever you need it, right?" she asked, rubbing small circles into his temple. "That's what it's there for, Babe." Ted hummed and nodded.

"Didn't need it, though," he said, winding an arm around her waist, "you're so good to me, Lex." 

God, she missed him so much. Alexis blinked up at the ceiling, until the grain in the wood wasn't blurry.

"I love you," she said. Her voice came out a little rough anyway.

Ted sat up and she kind of hated that he couldn't just float. It wasn't his turn to take care of her right now. Alexis cupped his jaw with both hands, pulling him forward. 

Ted didn't kiss her, just pressed their foreheads together. He looked into her eyes, an endless echo of blue, deep and clear.

"I love you, Alexis Claire Rose," Ted said and everything went quiet again. Just her and Ted and loving him. Alexis kissed the bridge of his nose and pulled him back down to lay in her arms. 

Mutt's shower wasn’t built to hold more than one person at a time, so Alexis let Ted take the next one. She was busy luxuriating in the last of Mutt's hot water when she caught the tail end of their conversation.

"She's easy to love," Mutt said, smoothing his hand over the quilt at the foot of his bed.

Alexis stepped out from behind the wall separating Mutt’s bathroom from the rest of the barn, "talking about me?" 

Ted offered Mutt an agreeable smile, but the way he looked at her, so incredibly grateful and fond, said otherwise, "always." The way he held her hand on the drive home, turned the radio to her favorite song, spoke volumes. 

Their love held a loaded history; it took work. Sometimes, loving someone well meant knowing you weren't right for them yet. So they had grown together. Their love had never been easy, but it was so, so worth it. They made each other better.

Alexis squeezed Ted's hand and turned up the music.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact, this is all based off a meme and the suggestion that it's a pun Ted would make after a threesome.  
> "If you make 'banana' your safeword after sex you can say 'orange you glad I didn't say banana' and your wife will leave you but it'll be worth it."
> 
> I always welcome feedback if you have any. Thank you very, very much for reading!!  
> ❤️ Sunset


End file.
